HS2: The Great British Train Wreck Misses Its 2033 Stop, Officially a Shambles

In a plot twist that surprises precisely no one, Transport Secretary Heidi Alexander has declared that HS2, Britain’s gloriously overambitious high-speed rail dream, won’t be pulling into the station by 2033. Labelled an “appalling mess” in Parliament yesterday, the project’s a textbook case of how to burn billions while building a railway to nowhere. Buckle up, dear reader, for another chapter in the tragicomedy of HS2.

A Brief History of Glorious Cock-Ups

HS2, first dreamt up in 2009, was meant to whisk passengers from London to Birmingham, Manchester, and Leeds at speeds that would make a Spitfire blush (up to 400 km/h). The pitch? Slash travel times, unclog the nation’s creaking rail network, and sprinkle some economic fairy dust on the North. It was to be Britain’s shiny new toy, split into two phases: London to Birmingham first, then onwards to Manchester and Leeds.

But, like a soggy Victoria sponge at a village fete, it’s crumbled spectacularly:

• 2010: Budgeted at a quaint £30.9–36 billion. Bless their optimistic hearts.
• 2015: Costs ballooned to £56.6 billion, as someone apparently forgot how to count.
• 2019: A review by Douglas Oakervee suggested the full “Y-shaped” route could hit £87 billion. Gulp.
• 2020: Boris Johnson gave it the green light at a cool £107 billion, because why not?

The Current Financial Fiasco

Fast forward to 2024, and the London-to-Birmingham leg alone is now priced at a staggering £57–100 billion. Last year, HS2 Ltd pegged it at £66 billion, but Alexander dismissed that as “about as reliable as a British summer”. Why the overrun? Oh, just a few minor hiccups:

• Dodgy Management: Land valuations were off by a country mile (estimated at £1.1 billion, actual cost: £5 billion). Soil surveys were apparently done by someone with a trowel and a blindfold.
• Inflation and Greedy Bricks: Building material costs shot up 26% in 2022, and labour costs soared with 17,500 workers on the Crewe-to-Manchester stretch (before it was axed).
• Tree-Hugging Tunnels: Environmental protests in the Chiltern Hills demanded extra tunnels and two million trees planted as penance, adding a few quid to the bill.
  The Infrastructure and Projects Authority (IPA) slapped a “red” rating on HS2 in 2023, essentially saying, “This is as deliverable as a flat-pack wardrobe assembled by a toddler.”

Chopping the Dream Down to Size

To stop the money haemorrhaging, HS2’s grand vision has been hacked to bits:

• 2021: The eastern leg (Birmingham to Leeds) was binned, replaced with a stubby branch to the East Midlands, saving roughly £20 billion.
• 2023: Rishi Sunak pulled the plug on the Birmingham-to-Manchester leg, promising to redirect £34 billion to other transport projects, like fixing potholes or buying more red buses. Northern leaders were not amused.
  What’s left? Just the London-to-Birmingham bit, now groaning under the weight of Euston station’s costs, which leapt from £2.6 billion to £4.8 billion. It’s like renovating your kitchen and ending up with a gold-plated sink.

Alexander’s Attempt to Salvage the Wreckage

Alexander admitted in Parliament that 2033 is a pipe dream, with delays likely stretching at least two years. The final cost and timeline? Anyone’s guess—new CEO Mark Wild is still crunching the numbers. She blamed “shoddy management, endless scope changes, and contracts that might as well have been written in crayon”. Her rescue plan includes:

• Appointing Mike Brown (ex-London Transport boss) as chairman and Mark Wild as CEO to stop the ship from sinking.
• Reinstating a ministerial taskforce to keep an eye on things, because clearly no one was watching before.
• Probing allegations of fraud in the supply chain. If true, expect heads to roll, or at least a sternly worded letter.
• Adopting all five recommendations from James Stewart’s report, which called HS2 a “litany of failure” with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer.

Alexander insists scrapping HS2 would be “throwing £30 billion down the drain”, but she’s ruled out reviving the Manchester leg. So, we’re left with a very expensive train to Birmingham. Jolly good.

The Great British Moan

The public and politicos are having a field day. Reform UK’s Nigel Farage wants to derail the whole thing, calling it a “rich man’s plaything” and suggesting the cash would be better spent fixing every rusting railway in the land. Shadow Transport Secretary Gareth Bacon admitted the Tories’ role in the mess but reckons the current lot aren’t doing much better.

On X, it’s a circus: @SimonZev calls HS2 a monument to Britain’s planning ineptitude; @natalieben laments the environmental carnage; while @HS2ltd bangs on about 18,000 jobs in West London, as if that makes it all worthwhile. The Rail Industry Association pleads for the project to limp on, citing capacity and economic benefits, but it’s hard to hear over the sound of wallets weeping.

What’s Next? More Tea and Tears

With inflation, green protests, and a management team that couldn’t organise a pub quiz, HS2’s costs keep climbing like a determined rambler in the Chilterns. As Mark Wild prepares his report, the nation waits to see if this railway can be salvaged or if it’s destined to be Britain’s most expensive punchline. One thing’s certain: HS2 is the gift that keeps on taking.